ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
