At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
