as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
