Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
