Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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