We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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