Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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