My liver just broke up with me...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
dude i'm inner monologue high
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
