happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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