im having a threesome with these popsicles
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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