happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
