We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
