her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
