I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
