Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize