I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
