I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
