yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
