Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize