two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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