giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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