i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
