Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
