I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
