I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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