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Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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