batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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