Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize