She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
