come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
