I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
