Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
