So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
