Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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