So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
