just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
