I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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