I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
