I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
