i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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