I wish I could teleport
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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