I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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