Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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