pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
