I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
