Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
