the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
