She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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