listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Come on in and take your pants off
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