dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
