If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
