Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
