I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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