My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
