My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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