U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
