i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
